Fear of Commitment: Wanting Closeness, Then Pulling Away
3 min read
You've wanted this for a long time: for someone to really get close. You think about it, you want it, sometimes you even do what it takes to make it happen.
And then it happens. The other person is there, available, present. And something in you pulls back.
Suddenly you need space. You notice a way they laugh that bothers you, a habit that irritates you, a detail that never mattered before. You catch yourself hoping for a quiet night alone, or taking longer to reply than you used to, without quite knowing why.
The next day, you're not sure what happened. You wanted that closeness. You really did.
Two Movements That Can Live in the Same Person
It's not unusual to live both movements at once, at different moments.
Maybe you've already tried to make sense of this through words like anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or fear of commitment. Those words can help name certain reactions. But in practice, the movements aren't always so separate: the same person can crave a lot of closeness and then need to pull away from it — without either label really capturing the whole thing.
There's the moment when you're chasing closeness, almost pursuing it: you send the text, you suggest getting together, you want to know where the other person stands. And there's that other moment, often right after closeness has become real, when something in you starts looking for distance again.
Some people mostly live the first movement. Others, mostly the second. Many live both — sometimes in the same relationship, sometimes in the same week: wanting the other person closer when they pull back a little, wanting them to back off when they get too close.
It's not necessarily a contradiction to fix. These two movements can be part of the same underlying tension.
What Can Happen When a Relationship Starts to Matter
It often shows up in very concrete ways.
You start noticing what's wrong with the other person, when a month earlier you only saw what you liked. You feel the urge to leave right when things start getting serious. After a genuinely good moment together — an evening where you felt close, where something opened up — you wake up distant, or you find an excuse not to see the person again right away.
Sometimes you lose your footing a little: you're not quite sure anymore what you feel, what you want, who you are in this relationship that's starting to take up space.
These reactions can become more present precisely as the connection starts to matter more, when there would be something real to lose.
It's Not Just About Knowing What You Want
You can genuinely want a close relationship, and still find ways of protecting yourself showing up the moment that closeness becomes real.
The two aren't contradictory. Wanting connection and protecting yourself from it can coexist in the same person — sometimes in the same gesture. It doesn't mean you don't know what you want, or that you're not cut out for closeness. It's more a sign that something gets in the way, right where it counts most.
Pulling back, finding fault, second-guessing the other person: these are ways of taking back a little control over a moment that would otherwise feel like too much.
Looking at What's Happening Instead of Picking a Side
Instead of forcing closeness or running from it, there's another possibility: looking a little closer at what's actually happening when it happens.
What do you really want, in this relationship, right now? What shows up in you as you get closer to it? What are you afraid of, or anticipating, even without quite putting it into words — being overwhelmed, losing part of yourself, disappointing someone, being too much? And above all: what's actually happening in the relationship, right now, compared to what you're afraid of?
There's no single right answer to find on your own, and no exercise to run on yourself. It's more an attention you bring, in the specifics of a real relationship, to what actually shows up when closeness becomes real — for you, with that particular person.
That's part of what I look at with people who come to me around this kind of movement.
What you're going through probably isn't a contradiction to fix, but a movement worth understanding better. If you recognize yourself in what you just read, we can talk about it.
To understand more generally how I work with this kind of movement, you can also read My Approach.
Relational and Somatic Therapist
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Disclaimer: François Lacharité offers somatic and relational support. These services do not replace medical advice, psychiatric diagnosis, regulated psychotherapy, or medical treatment. If you are experiencing an emergency, please contact emergency services in your area.
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